Affection
by Lee Wilson

Lonely. That's what Janette felt when her husband didn't kiss her goodbye before leaving for work. Sometimes his forgetfulness in this area brought her to tears.

It wasn't that she thought he no longer loved her. In fact, she often took time to logically consider that he was in a hurry and accidently overlooked that small event. But the fact that he could overlook it is what hurt.

Her husband, Daniel, loved her very much. He often found himself thinking of her during the day and wished he could leave work to drive home to her. But she didn't know because he didn't call to tell her.

Daniel never knew how much Janette hurt because of his failure to be affectionate. When she was affectionate to him he would reciprocate with signs of love and closeness, but Janette wanted him to initiate affection some of the time. She didn't know how to tell him this and developed bitterness from the years of feeling deprived.

Why was it not enough for Janette to know that Daniel loved her? Why did she need something more?

This is not simply an issue among women. Though there are important similarities, men often give and receive affection differently than women, but they still crave it.

It's clear that humans inherently desire demonstrations of love. Most often this demonstration is touching, kissing, gift giving, making love, doing favors such as preparing a favorite meal or creating artwork such as poetry or music. Affection usually occurs because the one giving affection can't contain the love they feel for the other person. That love compels them to act. That's why it hurt Janette when Daniel would forget. She'd think, "If he loves me as much as I love him, he wouldn't forget."

Daniel thought of his work as affection to Janette. He thought of things like cutting the grass, sharing a meal and going to see "chick flicks" with her as affectionate acts. He didn't realize her pain because she didn't tell him. She should have told him how she wanted to be shown affection. She felt like she was giving, but felt he wasn't.

It's that dual desire that is key to fulfilling the need for affection. You see, it's not just that we want to recieve it, it's that we also want to give it away. We need to be shown affection just as much as we need to show it. If either role is lacking, we feel incomplete just like Janette. Perhaps that is why it is often said that successful relationships involve "give and take." (And you thought it was just the name of our radio show!)

Be sure to give. Expect to recieve. Tell your significant other if you feel you need something more or something different. It's that important.

-Lee Wilson
© Lee Wilson. All rights reserved.

• Click here to read more article on relationships.
• Click here for information on how our seminar can save your marriage.
• Click here to join our newsletter.